Is this a test? Day 31 to 40.

girls
girls

How are you? Feeling any stresses today? I hope this finds you all fantastic and happy.

Here's my question that I can't seem to stop thinking about.  Is this a test?  I feel like my life is on a continuous test cycle.  How many times can the bus run someone over?  And hit reverse and do it again.  And when the bus driver's shift is over, another driver reports for duty.  Am I complaining?  No.  Maybe a little?  Hell yes.

Let me start by saying that I understand how fortunate I am.  I really do.  I am grateful for everything.  I know people have it worse than me.  So, is this life a gigantic test?

My field is tough.  It changes regularly.  The past two years I have been able to sit with people from various backgrounds and chat.  My best friend and myself flew to Oklahoma City this past summer to train with one of the top trainers in the country.  I know a ton about her because she is a mentor of mine.  My friend, not so much.  The first dinner was nothing.  It was at a crowded place and everyone was exhausted from traveling all day.  No one gave a shit.  We are all extremely health conscience but no one seemed worried about each other.  The second dinner was different.  It was in an upscale restaurant.  It was quiet. We were more comfortable.  The waiter brings the menus and we all kinda slump in our seats because this is feeling a bit testy.  The celebrity in front of me just released her new healthy eating cookbook and lifestyle guide.  I wondered if this was a test.  Luckily, she ordered first and it wasn't the perfect choice in my eyes.  However, I'm not the one with millions in book sales.  Is this a test of our listening skills and devotion to her?  We are her health coaches!  We know what the book says.  She orders us all drinks.  T.E.S.T.  We drink in seconds in case the test is ending soon.  Then she orders desserts.  Linda and I share because we do have manners believe it or not.  We both take one bite and realize that this dessert is being completely wiped off the planet in record time.  I still dream about it. Funny thing is that there were 5 coaches with her that night.  Only one ordered and stuck to the plan throughout the entire dinner.  I still wonder if it was a test.  Maybe I missed the opportunity to be in her next DVD.  Come to think about it, Mallory is thriving currently. She passed the stupid test.  I'm broke and just ate leftovers from three nights ago. However, Mallory will never again eat a dessert made from fruit flown in from the furthest location of the jungle while sitting in front of a fitness model/trainer/bazillionaire judging her every move.

I am acknowledging that I am being tested. My health has continued to decline. My personal life is stressful. I'm not particularly happy. I'm struggling to survive each day. I have never felt the demand and odd feeling that I currently have in my life. I can't shake it.  A few weeks back, I just started laughing because it just became comical. I'm wondering how long this particular test will last. Maybe it's a weirdness from the 40 Gods. They make you uncomfortable and desperate before the big day. And the big test comes when you have to spend the day alone and sad. Like, you just thought your 40th would be fun, exciting and full of love.

I will admit that the test needs to take a break for a while. My mind can't handle much more.  Again, I am very blessed. I'm just asking for a small break. Here are a few suggestions if you need a clear picture:

  • Maybe I could eat my own pan of Sister Schubert rolls.
  • A fairy to clean the one light switch that seems to always be nasty.
  • Could the cat clean her own litter? Maybe use the toilet.
  • Can someone make women's razors just as good as the men's?
  • How about cranberry sauce shaped like a can in the summer?
  • How about someone who understands you and actually gets you completely as you are? They understand your pain and life. Maybe just once a month?
  • Once a month, can I jump up and feel awesome as I start the day? Yawn and smile with glee and excitement?

I know.  I am blessed and should just be happy no matter what.  I have gotten remarkably good at not dodging things.  Just keep hitting me.  I will eventually catch a break for a few minutes at least.

At least I have phenomenal people around me that remind me even for a second that I might be somewhat normal.