40 days to 40

Barf. Vomit. Throw Up. Upchuck. Spew.  I'm going to turn 40 in 40 days! It is so hard to believe that I will actually be 40 years old.  Like, my mom gave birth to me 40 years ago. 40 whole years.  That's a long time! I have decided to blog my feelings leading up to my birthday. I have generally not worried about my age but this one is different for some reason.  To start, I have never seen myself past 40.  I have always told friends that I wouldn't live past 40.  So, here's to seeing if my intuition is completely off! I have also had an incredibly rough few years. Especially this year. I mean, I was certain that nothing could top 2015, but I'll be damned if it didn't.

I am very private and sharing my thoughts, health and everything is not easy for me.  I was diagnosed with Lupus when I was young. It has not been easy and once I feel that I can make it another day, something hits me harder. But, I have managed to prevail. The problem with being in fitness and hiding a serious health problem, is that you are required to live a double life. I did this for years and it about killed me. I still don't share my story with many people, but I will tell them that I have health problems. I won't lie if asked point blank. I will lie if not asked the right way. Another problem is that clients and friends don't see you as being sick.

But the worst problem by far is not knowing. I wake each morning with no idea what joint or issue will be fucked up. I have worried that I would do major damage to an area and that happened at the beginning of this year. So, it showed that my disease is progressing and going to the next level. And let me say that you haven't felt pain until you feel my pain. I have a pain threshold of ten people but holy shit! So, try staying positive, working out and smiling through what I endure. I hate to be nasty, but I would bet that most wouldn't survive 4 hours in my body. And I pray no one ever has too.

So, I have questioned everything this year. Then I have to turn 40. I have to continue on and survive my life somehow. Even at 40. 40 whole years old. I'll be half way to 80. At least I'm still 39 and 325 days old today. Yay me for almost surviving this long!

Day 40 with my two loves!